I'm guessing you all know how it feels to be distracted.
Just when you feel you have your head screwed on tight, something comes along and spins it in circles. Just when you feel you see ever so clearly, something in the background catches your eye. And no matter how hard you try, you can't keep your gaze off of it.
Now get this distraction and times it by 100 billion zillion.
If you've ever felt like this, you'll know exactly how i feel.
So everything was going picture perfect. I was absolutely rock-hard focused, and achieving great marks in my school work. (98% on Legal Studies! ;) Goooooo Meeee !
Anyway, a good friend of mine recently had a party, and as i had anticipated, IT WENT OFFF - in every way possible!
As i tend to do, i simply expected to have a good time, nothing more, nothing less.
Anyway, as you might already know, i am sort of? seeing this guy who lives in Germany, but we really haven't, you could say, defined what we have, so that was something i had to assume.
The party was mega crazy. Everyone was pretty drunk, and things were heating up.
(I just remembered, i don't usually like to write about literal things, and pointless information such as partying etc. But i do have a point to this.)
Anyway, i had happened to have found myself in another, crazy, messy predicament.
Well, a lot of guys kind of wanted to hook up etc. (please pardon my self-centered sounding self in this section). And lucky for me, i didn't end up doing it. But i came bloody well close to it...
Ever since then, my mind has been running effing errands again.
All those passionate moments, i keep reliving, again and again and again.
The tenderness, the intimacy, the passion, the affection. All those things i have been longing for or yearning, are all at my fingertips, within my grasp, and yet i still push it away.
I had so many opportunities, well i still do. But the more i keep ignoring it, the more it comes to haunt me. The more i avoid it, the more opportunities i miss. The more i linger on the edge of intimacy and affection, the more and more i yearn for it.
Maybe people get more attracted to people who are not looking for love. Just a random thought. Maybe it's the ones who aren't searching, who find themselves with all the bloody distractions, effing 13 in one night gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I never thought it would be that extravagant.
But seriously, I am pretty much stuck once again. Right now, in terms of love and relationships, i don't know what i want. Hooking up is too little, but relationships are too much. Half of me is wanting to focus, work hard to get what i want and NOT GET DISTRACTED.
But, would love really be such a bad distraction? What if i wanted, missed, longed for and craved it? What if it would inspire me?
But what if it will pull me down, and blur my vision?
What if i need it?
Can somebody please help?? Give me some sort of indication.
I am seriously lost for words. I don't know what to do.
SOS !
...Stupid love.
x
